


Talkin'

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Doctrine of Labyrinths - Sarah Monette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-14
Updated: 2008-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-25 02:01:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1625666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      Happy holidays! Hope you enjoy this because I had a ball writing it, and ruining my grammar, Mildmay style!<p>Written for Setissma</p>
    </blockquote>





	Talkin'

**Author's Note:**

> Happy holidays! Hope you enjoy this because I had a ball writing it, and ruining my grammar, Mildmay style!
> 
> Written for Setissma

 

 

Most people, its easy to tell when they're pissed. They snap at you for nothin' or stay all quiet and depressed like. Hell, sometimes they actually want to talk about it. Trouble is Felix is always like that - 'cept for that last one, course - so it's damn hard to tell what he's really thinking or feeling. Maybe his hearts breaking. Maybe nothing. Who knows? I mean, hell, we'd been on the road four days now and he hadn't said a word about Gideon. Granted I hadn't been pushing that hard to talk about it, aside from asking once while setting up camp on day one. He had some cutting remark for that to shut me up and we both just sorta let it drop. 'Cause that's what you do, I guess.

Problem is, I ain't forgetting how he was that night they locked us up, thinkin' he did it - killed Gideon, that is. Guess he just kinda figured I wasn't going to bring it up any time soon, on account of how we don't actually talk much.

See, here's the thing; Felix ain't normal; not with people. And, hell, I ain't no social butterfly either. So when we do talk it's just him snarling out some shit and me taking it 'til he shuts up. And that's just the way it is with us. Great pair of brothers, huh?

Anyways, every day we'd been on the road, all I could think about, when I wasn't thinking about everything else, was Ginevra. Big surprise, right? But that's just it; I just kept going over that I'd been where he was, having someone you loved die, and never getting that last chance to say sorry for all the stupid little fights or tell them how much they meant to you. You just get stuck telling those things to yourself over and over again and cursing life for being a bitch.

The fire was dying down, out in the middle of nowhere - our current location, which in my mind is a big improvement over the Mirador any day - both of us lying there pretending to be asleep and Gideon, Ginevra, me and Felix all running 'round in circles inside my head 'till it was enough to drive you crazy. I knew he wasn't sleeping, neither; years of reading Keeper in bed next to me means I'm pretty good at knowing when someone's lying awake thinking. And, yeah, it would have been easier to keep pretending and ignoring him and avoid the bitchy comments and grammar lessons I knew he was gonna throw at me the second I opened my damn scarred mouth, but I'm stupid like that sometimes, 'specially when it comes to him.

"Never really told you 'bout Ginevra, did I?" Yeah, like I said, I'm stupid. 'Least I know it.

There was this real long pause, but I knew he heard me. "What brought this fascinating topic of conversation up?" Now, like I said, Felix is hard to read, but I know him better than most, and I was pretty damn sure there was some real feeling hiding under that question, like he was trying to hide how upset whatever he had been thinking about before I started running my mouth had made him; it ain't hard to guess what that thing was, neither.

So I just kept going, figuring I might as well try to get it all in before he started in with the attitude. "I mean, I told you 'bout her, but I never told you 'bout her, you know?"

"No, I don't. As usual your level of eloquence stuns me." Yeah, remember that attitude I knew was coming? There it was, just not quite as, I don't know, Felix-esq as usual I guess.

"I mean, I never talked about how I liked the way she smiled, or how smart she was 'bout some things but how damn stupid 'bout others." You'd think after all this time these things would get easier to talk about, but they don't. "She was brave, that night Vey Coruscant and her goons showed up in the Boneprince, brave to come hire me in the first place. And then, when she died, it was like the sun just went out or somethin', all because of some damn mistake I made." I shifted a little, rolling over to face him, not like I could see him that great in the dark or nothing. "I never told you none of that 'cause we don't talk and I knew you wouldn't get it. But now you do and I just figured you should know I been there too. That's all." And really that's all there was to say.

There was this funny little noise, but it wasn't 'till he started shaking I figured out he was crying. And then it was sorta just like back when I first met him and he was crazy and lost and just needed my help. Didn't take more than a second to wrap my arms around him like I had to sometimes then too when he was down that well. It's a weird feeling, having Felix Harrowgate crying on your shoulder, 'cause it just ain't like him. That attitude he always wears ain't a mask or nothing; it's really how he is. Just every now and then he has a vulnerable moment and you realize he's still human and he's got a heart after all. Granted it usually lasts about 30 seconds and then it's back to the way things were before, but hell it's better than nothing. Not tonight, though. Tonight those tears just went on forever, like it was killing him or something. So I just sorta lay there and held him and let him get it out, wondering if he was going to lash out at me any second. He didn't.

Finally they kinda trailed off but he didn't move his head off of my shoulder and I sure as hell wasn't gonna kick him out or nothing. "I never had a chance to tell him I was sorry." He sounded like shit, and I didn't need to ask what he had wanted to apologize to Gideon for 'cause I knew he would have written a list that never ended of things to say sorry for. "Sometimes I hated myself for the way I treated him, but then I'd just remind myself that I treat everyone that way - which I do - and shrug it off. I just wish I could have let him know he was more special to me than that; that I didn't mean to hurt him all the time the way I mean to with everyone else." I figured now might not be the best time to ask if I was on that 'everyone else' list.

He finally looked at me, those freaky mismatched eyes still red with all that crying which of course only made them look freakier. I was used to them. I kinda wanted to ask if he'd ever loved anyone like that before, if there was anyone else in the whole world whose death would have hurt him like this, but it was pretty obvious the answer was no.

"All I've been able to think of for these past four days is that I'm horrible." He whispered, sounding like some little kid who just learned to be scared of his Keeper for the first time. Hell, even some of that Lower City was creeping back into his voice before he got control of it again. "I treat people like shit and I don't care. I hurt you all the time and we both know it's stupid of me to promise not to do it again because it won't make any difference. And I just keep thinking that if you died it would be just like Gideon." Shit I was proud of him for saying that name without the tears starting up again. "Without knowing you meant anything more to me than anyone else."

I guess I hadn't really expected that; I mean, I like to think Felix likes me all right, but I never really know for sure. Some days I figure he hates me just as much as he does the rest of the world. So I was kinda surprised to hear myself say, "I already know. And he did, too." I was even more surprised to know I meant it.

For a long time we just lay there, thinking, maybe realizing it was the first good conversation we'd had in a long time - maybe in forever. The first kiss just sorta happened; I don't think he planned it, and I know I sure didn't. I ain't moll, and maybe it sounds stupid to say it didn't feel nothing like that, but it's the truth. It just felt like we were both thinking we were sad and lonely and then realizing we'd always sort of had each other there so maybe we weren't so alone after all. It wasn't even like I was kissing another man or my half-brother, more like I was just kissing someone I needed and cared about and any other details didn't matter much at all anymore. I'd known Felix was hot for me for a long time now, and it didn't ever really bother me. It just sorta was, that was all. Just tonight it was different.

Then it was like we were the only two people in the whole damn world, like everything outside of that moment was just pain and sadness and heartbreak and every other damn thing you could think of. Like if I just focused on his touch and his body and he did the same with me we could drive all of that shit away and just fucking deal with it instead of drowning in it all.

We didn't say anything when sunrise woke us up the next morning or while we sorta untangled ourselves from each other and started getting ready to get moving again to wherever we were going. But for the first time in as long as we'd known each other that silence was a comfortable one; there wasn't any hidden anger or harsh words and hard feelings hidden under it waiting to jump out and strangle us. I guess that's a good thing; I mean, I ain't no hocus. I can't see the future and say where we're going or how things are gonna be with us, but I ain't stupid, neither. I'm good at cards, at knowing how a hand's gonna play out. Maybe tomorrow we'd go back to bickering over nothing to cover up the real problems between us. Maybe nothing would change. But if I had to bet, I'd say that ain't what's gonna happen. Call it a hunch. 

 


End file.
